Today was the day I feel out of love with you

well the title is a little misleading. I still love him. But something changed today. Well I guess something has been changing. I dont even want to see him anymore. Because it hurts knowing he will never want me or love me the way I love him. Something switched. Or changed. Used to when I thought of him I would smile, my eyes would shine, people said I would glow. But now.... I dont think it shows. If anythings shows its the hurt. The hurt of a first love dead before it had the chance to truly life. He said something once, something along the lines of "Why does God put wonderful people in my life then take them away." Well, Daniel I ask God a similar question. All these years I have wished and prayed for love. Someone that knows me inside and out and still will be there. That is you. Its shocking how well you know me... yet you are still here day after day. I ask God why he would put something that I have wanted and wished for my ENTIRE life... Put him there right in front of me, dangling him infront of me like a carrot teasing a donkey. God makes my eyes see that Daniel is everything that I want and need. Then tell me I can not have him. He took him away with out making him leave. With out letting me leave. 

I just really miss you

I just left you. It has literally been less than 24 hours since the last time I saw you. But God I miss you. I went to Kentucky you went to Ohio. I was suppose to go with you. Meet your family, your friends, see your childhood home. But that did not work out. So I climbed in Hayleys car. Tried not to think what I would be doing if I was in the car with you. I would be sitting shotgun next to you. Country music on the radio. You would be singing, so would I. I would be smiling. Because I feel so 100% content in these moments. These moments when I forget what we really are. Those are the moments when I am like... I could actually see myself living everyday with you. Forever. If I could sit everyday at your side, just you and me sitting in your car listening to George Straight, I would. I've never felt this way before. Fully in love with a person. Despite his flaws. But this is not a happy post. This is not a "Oh yay Katy finally found love" type of post. This is a Katy fell head over heels in love with her best friend. Who does not love her. Who has someone else. Someone that she has to see, and hear about every. single. day. I have to pretend that it does not matter to me. That it doesn't absolutely KILL me when you said that you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with them. I remember when you told me that. For the first time sitting on the bench out side of my dorm room. My heart literally broke. But even as my heart was weeping. I smiled for you. If not but to prove that it doesn't hurt me. And maybe because I know you will never want me and if I can't have you I want you to be the happiest you can be with whoever makes you that way. But... I just can't get over the fact I wish it was me. I guess its selfish that I still havent gotten over it. Or maybe I just want you to see how completely in love with you I am. Maybe if you can see how much I love you then you will choose me over them. But I wish that and I know it will never happen. I'm a hot mess. Right now. I just really miss you Daniel. I just really fucking miss you. 

The Hand You Hold

When your down, I mean really down. You tend to dig yourself a hole and just sit there. And that is fine, I had my own hole once and I thought I would never leave. So when your in this hole I know you do not want to leave. You want to be there in the darkness for a while. But when I reach down my hand into your darkness... I do not want to help you out. Not until you are ready to get up. I'm not giving you a hand up, I'm simply giving you a hand to hold.